Review: JURASSIC WORLD

This review is made possible in part by The MovieBob Patreon.


So here's my darkest movie-geek confession: I don't consider the original JURASSIC PARK to be an unassailable classic. I recognize that this doesn't make a ton of sense, given my love of Spielberg, monster-movies, science fiction and above all else Dinosaurs; but here we are.

It's a great film - yards beyond what any other filmmaker would've likely done with the same material at the time, as is to be expected with Steven Spielberg - and it deserves its place on the pedestal for its iconic setpieces and industry-changing FX work, no question about it. But measured on the long-terms merits? It's a vaunted member of the Three-Star Spielberg Club, standing proudly among MINORITY REPORT, TEMPLE OF DOOM (and LAST CRUSADE, if we're being honest), AMISTAD, etc., but "only" just that. And while I "get" the idea that the original is effectively "Millennials' JAWS," sorry, no - only JAWS is JAWS.

I bring this up mainly to give you some context through which to process this review: If you're looking for someone who views the first movie as Holy Writ to tell you whether or not someone's gone and popped some Groucho Glasses on Michelangelo's David? This ain't that. But if you'll settle for the opinion of someone who thinks the original is great but in all honestly is more of a ONE MILLION YEARS B.C./WHEN DINOSAURS RULED THE EARTH/KING KONG guy when it's time to get his Dinosaur on, welcome aboard.

(SPOILERS, though not IMO important ones, follow)



Since I didn't mention it before, the previous two sequels I can largely take or leave. THE LOST WORLD has awesome action sequences stuck randomly into a dreaery, mean-spirited plot while JURASSIC PARK III is a serviceable B-movie but only just that. In many ways, JURASSIC WORLD feels like the sequel the franchise has been waiting for: It's clearly (blatantly, in fact) aiming to for ALIENS-territory, i.e. a bigger, faster, meatier, nastier extension of a more constrained original experience, trading slow-build suspense for relentless action. A welcome idea, but followed perhaps a little too slavishly: Speed and efficiency are one thing, but here's a film that's in such a hurry to get to the good stuff that it almost forgets to have a first act.

That lack of desire to take it slow (at least at first) is an easily dissapointment, since the actual setup for how this World actually works feels interesting enough to have merited another ride on the Welcome Trolley. Our story: Decades after the original Jurassic Park disaster(s), the InGen corporation and specifically John Hammond's island "preserve" of cloned Dinosaurs have been bought out by a flamboyant Indian billionaire who has realized the late Park-founder's dream of a fully functioning tourist destination - though his version is a little less "nature preserve" and a little more Busch Gardens/Sea World. Still, he's ultimately yet another "Spare no expense!" eccentric who cares more about delighting visitors and the coolness of de-extincting Dinosaurs than profits...

...unfortunately, everyone else does still care about profits, and as the film-proper opens the new key to bigger profits is believed to be messing with Dinosaur genetics to create bigger, scarier versions aimed at wooing a public now jaded by a world where the T-Rex etc are fairly commonplace. The prototype for this new venture is Indominus Rex, a laboratory-engineered "hybrid" ("hybrid of what, exactly?" is kind of a spoiler, but suffice it to say she's basically a bigger, more agile T-Rex with usable arms) whose creators realize too late is smart enough to stage an escape from her pen but also "disturbed" by the circumstances of her development enough to start a dino-on-dino murder spree that soon imperils the entire tourist-filled park - in particular, the young visiting nephews of head scientist Claire (Bryce Dallas-Howard), a development that spells danger for her dogged determination at remaining (what else?) a frazzled, over-scheduled, asexual workaholic who I assume InGen head-hunted from an unfinished Sandra Bullock vehicle.

Fortunately, it turns out that Jurassic World's support staff includes Chris Pratt as Owen Grady, who just so happens to be Earth's Greatest Human. Effectively a set of Chuck Norris Facts memes that fused and gained sentience, Owen isn't simply an ex-Navy SEAL badass who lives a solitary life of tuning up his motorcycle outside his kickass trailer out in the park's wilderness and a studly nature/survival expert, he's also (yes, really) a soulful animal lover who has managed to tame a pack of Velociraptors pitbull-rehabilitator style and scolds the JW bosses for not being respectful enough of his Dinosaur pals. His silent head-nods may or may not also cure Cancer - I'd have to watch a second time to confirm.

(Seriously, though. I'm trying to think of a "flaw" the film affords Owen and I'm coming up blank. The closest I can come is that he's a little too forward in his 007-esque "wooing" of Claire... and I'm not convinced that the film intends us to recognize it as too forward.)

In any case, Owen is technically onhand playing Cesar Milan to The Raptors at the behest of Vincent D'Onofrio's sleazy InGen exec as part of an off the books side-project with B.D. Wong's returning Doctor Wu dedicated to pre-loading a storyline for the next movie: In this case, a scheme to use Dinosaurs to combat terrorists in lieu of soldiers/drones - and yes, it's presented as offhandedly ("Oh, incidentally, I've got this paramilitary-Raptor thing cooking, too.") as I'm making it sound.

It's such an insane "big idea," conceptually, (though not that insane - at one point, dino-commandos were to be the focus of an unmade third sequel) that I'm giving to suspect that having it as an explicit part of the story (scheming about it openly represents about 90% of D'Onofrio's dialogue) but leaving the loose-end to dangle teasingly is the result of a hasty rewrite - possibly to excuse what would otherwise be the plot hole of Indominus having been designed with special powers like chameleon camouflage-skin and body-heat control that make it a formidable monster but wouldn't be very sought-after in a zoo attraction. I don't know that this is the case (it's so similar to the recurring "Weyland-Yutani wanted this to happen!" conspiracy turns in the ALIEN franchise it may well have been baked in from the start), but it feels like it from the moment it's introduced to the last shot of Doctor Wu absconding to the JURASSIC PARK 5 writers-room with his parcel of Infinity Stones genetic-material.

But for now, that's our scenario: Indominus Rex (I-Rex - iRex - GET IT!??) is on the rampage amid a resort full of sitting-duck tourists and at least two moppets out in the jungle; so it falls to Owen, Claire and ultimately Owen's team of obedient (but only just so) Raptor Buddies to team up and save the day - preferably at a pace that allows for just enough additional chaos to unfurl in the form of stampedes, sneak-attacks, paramilitary battles (InGen does not fuck around on animal-control, apparently) and a bravura setpiece wherein all manner of winged dinos set upon the tourists like pigeons at the Panera Bread dumpster. All in service of a build-up to a climactic showdown that might just set the new Gold Standard for earnestly absurd fan-service in blockbuster sequels.

If I'm making this all sound a bit silly, well... that's because it is. Spectacularly silly, as though tweaking the noses of genre-fans who demand every last franchise tumble down into Gritty Realism Land was a Priority 1 note pinned to the screenwriter's monitor. Director Colin Trevorrow comes from a genre-comedy background (he's mainly known for the quirky indie time-machine dramedy SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED) and while he keeps the production from tipping over into outright farce it's clear from the get-go that he's bringing a lighter, more mischievous touch to things than Spielberg (or Joe Johnston) did previously: The big action scenes happen mostly in the brightly-lit daytime, and there's a playfulness to hypothetically "tense" moments like Indominus' attack on a "gyrosphere" vehicle that looks (one would have to assume intentionally) like a mash-up of the original's iconic T-Rex jeep-attack and a cat fumbling with a hamster ball.

There's a sly (and subtle, considering the material) sense of of self-awareness underpinning the proceedings, as scene after scene staged as bigger, flashier, tackier versions of "majestic" staple-sequences from the original film(s) play out amid a story that's entirely about the ugly business of turning miracles of science and technology into marketing opportunities - and lest you think that tonal dissonance is some kind of accident: one of the main secondary good guys is a tech-support engineer (Jake Johnson) who shows up to work in a vintage Jurassic Park logo t-shirt ("Don't you think that's in bad taste?"), keeps toy dinosaurs at his workstation and grumbles about "legit" Hammond's original Park was versus branding-saturated version he works at now (iRex's full name is "Verizon Wireless Presents Indominus-Rex.")

I'm down for all that (if anything, I found myself wishing they'd found a way around doing the "park disaster" story again so the setting could be as refreshing as the approach) but the flip-side to playing things so loose and fun-for-fun's-sake is that you start to question what's a knowing wink and what's legitimately not working: Is Indominus not being quite as next-level scary as she's meant to be a deliberate commentary on half-baked marketing schemes, or could the new monster have used a few more passes at the design-phase? Are Howard's icy/flustered working girl and Pratt's Velociraptor Dundee routine so enthusiastically one-dimensional because Trevorrow is having fun with the arch-ness of blockbuster stock-types or has something been lost in the writing (or the edit)? Is the secondary cast overstuffed with mirror-characters (there's effectively a good/bad version of everyone, even two separate teams of soldiers for you to alternately root for/against when they go up against iRex) and subplots because we're riffing on the bigger-faster-meaner buildup for sequels or... well, see above.

Still, the fact remains I showed up for Dinosaur Action, and if JURASSIC WORLD is committed to one thing it's Dinosaur Action by the barrel-full. Like I said at the beginning, I love myself a respectable B-movie that bends (or breaks) logic, realism, screenwriting rules etc into knots in order to justify insane monster action; and there are moments (especially once Act 3 kicks into gear) where the film leaps enthusiastically into the same intentional Saturday Morning Cartoon miasma PACIFIC RIM mined to such great effect. This is a new(ish) animal from the "majestic" slow burn that even Spielberg was unable to hit twice; and taken both on it's own goofy, knowing terms it's both a riot of a new production and just enough of a nostalgic callback (you'll see) that I can't not reccommend it.


This review was made possible in part by The MovieBob Patreon.

In Bob We Trust: DISSED-TOPIA

Review: INSIDIOUS: CHAPTER 3

NOTE:This review is brought to you in part via The MovieBob Patreon.


The INSIDIOUS movies are easily the most idiosyncratic (successful) horror franchise of the moment, built out of elements like recurring characters, signature visuals, mythology and a unique internal logic that the rest of the genre has largely abandoned in favor of chasing grimy grit-gore (HOSTEL and MARTRS, but more so their lesser imitators) or cheapjack trickery (PARANORMAL ACTIVITY etc). That's what helps it stand out in a field that otherwise seems to be chasing forgettable as an ideal, but it can also be a trap pointing to diminishing returns: Eventually the 80s slashers with their iconic masks and signature weapons (particularly Freddy Krueger, whose as close to a direct ancestor as INSIDIOUS has) ceased to be scary through all the recognizability.

To be fair, INSIDIOUS stock in trade is a fairly unique brew: Small-space haunting/possession stories featuring violently-proactive "rule-breaking" specters (who manage to still be legitimately scary while being designed in an overly-specific "Halloween spook-house" style that shouldn't work but does) and visits to "the other side" ("The Further" in INSIDIOUS-speak) imagined through a weird mix of new-school FX and low-tech settings - usually just an actor holding a single light-source in an empty space full of dry-ice fog. That's a pretty damn unique stamp, and one that can probably sustain the series for a while longer, but CHAPTER 3 shows signs that the limit is significantly lower than the sky.



Let's be clear: The original INSIDIOUS was an out-of-nowhere masterpiece as far as I was concerned, and the sequel was an impressive effort boosted by one killer Big Idea (since "dead worlds" are outside time and space, why not add time travel to the bag of tricks?) but kneecapped by a baffling revival of one of horror's most unpleasant "things were different back then" character tropes. CHAPTER 3 brings nothing like that to the table, thankfully, but the innovation has been dialed back as well - it's easily the most conventional of the series, and while that doesn't have to be a deal-breaker it means the constant sense of "Wow! I can't believe they pulled that off!" that very much defined the prior installments (for me, at least) isn't very present.

This is technically a "prequel," but mainly for the purposes of keeping hardworking character-actress Lin Shaye around as the (still living version of) medium Elise. It's billed as an "origin" story, but really it's just a new, unrelated haunting yarn executed "Insidious-style" and with a quickie explanation for how Elise first hooked up with her younger, geekier colleagues from the previous two installments tacked on for Act 3. Nothing wrong with that, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more interested in the "ghost versus ghost" angle that the ending of Part II seemed to be pitching.

The story this time: A stressed-out teenage girl has been trying to contact the spirit of her recently-deceased mother, but has instead earned the attention of the malignant soul-gobbling spirit (an emaciated old man in an oxygen mask who leaves slimy black footprints everywhere - a servicable but non-classic heavy) haunting her apartment complex. The creature arranges for her to be injured and bedridden, making the torment and possession easier, and necessitating Elise (who at this point had retired because she's depressed at the suicide of her husband and fears meeting the lethal Bride in Black ghost again) getting back into the field to stop it.

The counter-intuitive non-spectacle of Shaye's unassuming heroine as a discount Doctor Strange is still the franchise's most amusing conceit, and the rest of the film fits together well enough, but there's a sameness setting in that's more pronounced now that you can't blame it on other returning actors of plot details. Co-creator and co-star Leigh Whannell takes over the directing duties and acquits himself ably in terms of keeping the style consistent, but what perhaps should've been a perfect place to start expanding the formula plays it pretty safe - if you know the "beats" of the series thus far (cluttered room = monster hiding motionless in plain sight, false/false/REAL rhythm for most scares, if one of those pale blue ghost-faces is hanging out JUST visibly enough in the frame something bigger is going to lunge out from another angle while you're busy squinting, etc) you're probably not going to jump very far back.

The finale, at least, is interestingly realized after all the work is done getting there: Nothing earth-shattering, but after decades of seeing variations on the seance/exorcism-to-reclaim-a-stolen-soul routine it's nice to see a new-ish twist on the proceedings (the Big Bad keeps a half-formed homonculus representing 1/2 of his target's soul like a pet, and it "fills out" as he claims more and more) that eventually blows up into a memory-totem/emotional-appeal/divine-intervention whirl that wouldn't have been out of place in a mid-80s Amblin production. I will say, though, that it's getting to the point where INSIDIOUS needs to start locking down exactly what meaningfully separates souls/ghosts/demons/remnants/etc in its mythos; since right now they appear to function interchangably.

These things tend to keep going for as long as they'll turn a profit, and having now used two secondary-endings to tease the return of a pivotal character one can only assume that's grist for the mill in CHAPTER 4. All well and good... except that probably means monster-backstory and the last time the series bothered to try that the results were pretty wonky. Then again, the FAST & FURIOUS movies took 5 to 6 tries to start getting good, so the "rules" of franchise-rot seem to have changed recently - but those are going to still have new ways to crash cars long after INSIDIOUS has run out of dark corners to stick ghosts in.


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Take This

Mental health charity Take This (which is run/founded by dear friends of mine and which I continue to be proud to offer help and support) yesterday announced a partnership with IGN that will see their most well-known (so far) undertakings, providing clinician and volunteer-staffed safe spaces called "AFK Rooms" at gaming and fan-conventions, expand in presence beyond the various PAX iterations to other venues including SDCC.

Really proud of these folks. Good people doing the best possible kind of work. Take a look, and if so-inclined please consider showing your support.

Review: SPY (2015)

This review is brought to you in part by The MovieBob Patreon.


Finally, I can feel 100% good about "defending" Melissa McCarthy.

Don't get me wrong: I'd be a fan no matter what - McCarthy is one of the most gifted screen comics working today. However, while a natural born-and-bred movie star all the same, she finds herself in the difficult position where certain facts of her existence are so far outside the "typical" for a movie star (re: age, weight, being a woman who excells at "blue humor" and broad physical comedy) tend to turn her very presence in a film into a "statement" - one that frequently draws responses oozing with an inexplicable vitriol that can't help but make even the least chivalrous cad rise up and say "Hey! Leave her alone, jerk!"

Unfortunately, actors are tied to their movies and their roles, and as such full-throated endorsements of McCarthy as not only possessing great talent but having the right to show it off in movies have had to come bundled with caveats... namely that the movies themselves weren't often all that good. Her starmaking supporting turn in BRIDESMAIDS as the most memorable female version ever of the kinds of raunchy party-animal role pioneered by Belushi, Farley and Kevin James has thus far been a the high point of a rocky subsequent run that's included dismal entries like IDENTITY THIEF, underwhelming fare like THE HEAT and the genuinely abominable TAMMY. (Though she was excellent in the indie dramedy ST. VINCENT and continues to do fine work on the comfortably-ordinary sitcom MIKE & MOLLY.)

But now, with SPY, there's no reason for any equivocations or asterisks: This is as perfect a star-vehicle as has been conceived for a comedian since Adam Sandler pulled on his blue suit for THE WEDDING SINGER. It's the most complete screen performance of her career to date, a career-best for writer/director Paul Feig and will easily end up being one of the funniest comedies of the Summer. The longevity of comedies can be hard to gauge (I'm glad to see people other than me finally coming around to WALK HARD) but right now SPY feels like an instant classic.



The first and best thing that the film does right is to focus on McCarthy's ability to inhabit a character rather than projecting someone's idea of a "stock persona," i.e. THE HEAT being essentially "What if Megan from BRIDESMAIDS was a cop?" Here, she's Susan Cooper, an office-bound CIA Agent whose main job is being the voice in the ear of (and second set of eyes for) a 007-style badass gentleman spy played by Jude Law: He does the fighting, shooting, spying and killing, she tells him where the bad guys are coming from via satellite and calls in airstrikes if he gets in a fix.

Sadly, she's also nursing a huge crush to which he's oblivious to the point of genuine cruelty. But that doesn't stop her from swearing vengeance when Law's Agent is murdered in the field by the femme fatale daughter of a recently-deceased supervillain (Rose Byrne) who reveals that she knows the names and faces of every active CIA field operative; meaning that the only hope to stop her from selling a stolen nuke to terrorists is the send an Agent whose never actually been in the field before - an Agent like Susan.

Pretty standard plotting, right? Swap around a few details and you can easily imagine this as a Will Ferrell or Kevin James vehicle (hell, it's close to the same setup as the long-forgotten Steve Carrell update of GET SMART). But then, SPY goes and does something so off-formula for this kind of movie I wanted to spontaneously applaud:

There's NO "Turning Susan into a real spy" training montage. Really. NONE.

Instead, it turns out that we've already underestimated Susan Cooper: In addition to being great tactical support, she's also on-record with The Agency as a highly-capable hand-to-hand combatant and a master gunfighter - by all rights, she should've been a field agent already... but her crummy self-esteem let her be convinced that she was suited to remain her trainer (Law's) backup. Huh. That's different.

As you may have guessed by now, this is the "secret" of SPY: It's a super-spy origin story as metaphor for "invisible women" in the workplace - and also, it seems, for McCarthy specifically overcoming her typecasting. Susan is flying high on the idea of being a "real" Agent at last... only to find herself deflated when she learns that the disguises and gadgets The Agency has prepared for her are all built around tacky "fat lady" stereotypes ("cat lady," "splurging divorcee") that handily conform to the kind of roles the actress is (likely) offered over more "glamorous" parts. Funny meta-gag, but McCarthy plays it with an extra undercurrent of real pain as Susan is continuously reminded of how unflatteringly (and inaccurately) her "friends" and co-workers see her.

The net effect of this is that we find ourselves rooting for Susan not simply to succeed, but to succeed on her own terms. Sure, she's been ordered to "only" follow and report on her target, but we want her to kick ass. We want her to get into high-speed chases, beat down bad guys HAYWIRE-style (McCarthy acquits herself excellently in fight scenes), blow away waves of henchmen and jump onto the legs of a fleeing helicopter because we want her to win and show everybody else up.

Nowhere does this work better than a risky but rewarding third-act digression where Susan decides to toss off her Agency-approved cover and glamour-up to ingratiate herself into her quarry's entourage. It's a classic "hero's bloom" moment that impressively one-ups the similar reveal of "cleaned-up" Eggsy in KINGSMEN and doubles as a handy villain-defining opportunity by having Byrne spit casual "mean girl" venom on her efforts (not that Cooper doesn't get her back, branding her foe's traditional super-villainess decorative-catsuit look as "slutty dolphin-trainer.")

On top of all that good-vibes agreeability, though, SPY is simply really damn funny. The gags come fast and land with killer frequency, and McCarthy seamlessly transitions from comic-relief to put-upon "straightwoman" for a good deal of screentime while the more colorful side-characters get to do the more elaborate business. Amazingly, the secret weapon turns out to be none other than a perfectly-cast Jason Statham - who's done comedy before but never exactly this well - as a legendarily-badass Agent chasing the same case as Cooper. He's playing the same character he usually does, i.e. a guy whose (supposed) battlefield heroics are so over-the-top that you have to assume he's either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid... but this time the answer really is "stupid." With a touch more screentime, he could easily have stolen the movie right out from under the star.

I won't call it flawless (too many action comedies don't bother to go for action-level cinematography, and there's a few Act 3 plot-turns that feel too convenient and unlikely) but SPY is the real deal. There isn't a funnier comedy in theaters right now, and even if you think you've already "given up" on Melissa McCarthy you owe it to yourself to give it a look. I loved this one.


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More Like It

AOL made a big deal this morning out of debuting what I'll assume is the U.S. trailer for Sarah Gavron's SUFFRAGETTE, a dramatization of the "angry period" of the Votes For Women movement in turn of the century Britain (in response to increased police aggression, segments within the movement turned from peaceful demonstration to physical resistance and anarachist-style acts of violence/vandalism including bombings) with Carey Mulligan, Meryl Streep and Helena Bonham Carter.

Not a bad clip, but it managed to undercut what's supposed to be the aggressive "get mad and break shit" hook of the piece (we're in SELMA "Hey! These supposedly more 'respectable' early days of social activism were way more similar to modernity than you've been told" territory) but smothering it's back-half with a slowed-down version of "Landslide" - tonally wrong, and a serious mood killer.

Fortunately, the film is also opening the BFI London Film Festival; and a separate trailer announcing that appearance goes for a more sweeping "action drama" tone overall. Check it out:



Now that's more like it! Film is scheduled for an October 23rd release stateside, but will probably turn up on the festival circuit building steam for awards season before that.

TRIVIA: Meryl Streep is playing Emmeline Pankhurst, leader/founder of the "militant" Women's Social and Political Union. I'm wondering if the film will include "The Amazons," a contingent of female bodyguards maintained by the WSPU to protect "fugitive" suffragettes temporarily released from prison for health reasons from being re-arrested (and to go hand-to-hand with police and male counter-rioters) who carried concealed Indian Clubs as weapons and were trained in Jiu-Jitsu by Western martial-arts pioneer Edith Margaret Garrud.

Review: ALOHA

NOTE: This review made possible in part by The MovieBob Patreon. If you'd like to see more like it, please consider becoming a patron.

Counting last year's INTERSTELLAR, Cameron Crowe's ALOHA is the third relatively recent big studio/big star movie to ground a "how far we've fallen" moral-center on the lessened public-profile of NASA and Kennedy-era scientific-optimism. Given that all three (Brad Bird's spectacularly-misfired TOMORROWLAND being the third) have been pretty bad films (with ALOHA hopefully representing rock-bottom, because if not...), it would appear that one of the Space Agency's biggest yet least remarked-upon problems is that its self-appointed spokespeople suck at the job.

It almost feels like a digression to bring it up, since mourning the end of the Space Race is a minor element in ALOHA; entering the plot chiefly in connection to the backstory of ostensible hero Brian Gilcrest (Bradley Cooper), whose dreams of Astronaut glory were cut short by public disinterest in space, and the Hawaiian setting's own unbreakable connection to that same kitschy/sincere moment in American pop-culture history when spaceflight and a storybook Polynesian paradise as an easily-visited American state both felt like future-fantasy wish dreams come to life... but that's the problem with ALOHA in general: Everything is a minor plot element. There's no sense of scale or center to the various goings-on trying to comprise a story, nothing to hang onto.



The story, such as it is, goes like this (SPOILERS from here out): Having been right-man/wrong-time'd out of going to space, Gilcrest took his military/pilot skills into the private sector as a Blackwater-ish mercenary for an Musk/Soros/Branson/Gates hybrid tech-billionaire/philanthropist (it's kind of unclear what he actually does) played by Bill Murray, whose latest project involves joint-launching his new satellite with help from the U.S. Army base in Hawaii and (if successful) paying for a base-expansion that will make it the new hub of U.S. space/military presence in the Pacific. But! The construction will require moving an ancient Native Hawaiian burial site, which requires (for P.R.) the literal and figurative blessing of the independent native-nation's King Bumpy, whose reticent to do so because of Hawaiian religious myths about the sanctity of the sky but might be convinced by his old friend Gilcrest.

However! Gilcrest is viewed as a loose-canon because of an unspecified (for no reason than that the script wants it to be an Act 3 reveal) "incident" in the Middle East, so he's assigned a military handler in the form of Emma Stone's Captain Ng; a 1/4 Native Hawaiian (no, really) rising-star pilot who is alternately a hard-nosed army-robot and a drippy, starry-eyed romantic who believes literally in the religious mythology of Ancient Hawaii. OH! And this is actually all B-story (or, at least, it feels like it was meant to be before every storyline was cut down to equal-incomprehensibility) to the main drama: Gilcrest's return unwittingly (maybe?) upending the troubled marriage of his former love (Rachel McAdams) and conversation-averse lovable-lunkhead pilot (John Krasinski) which may or may not involve an uncomfortable secret about their eldest child that the film expects you not to guess even after you notice only one kid is important to the plot...

And if all that sounds both inane and convoluted, imagine it being doled out piecemeal and out of order mainly in the form of conversational side-details as the film charts a burgeoning (out of nowhere) romance between Gilcrest and Ng; because this is a Cameron Crowe movie and Cameron Crowe makes movies about magical pixie-women who exist largely to entice, trick or drag broken/incomplete men into the next logical phase of their lives through romantic availability (that's not the problem - the problem is he isn't good at it anymore.) Cooper is as appealing as he typically is when not voicing a Space Raccoon (read: not very), but Stone's character feels like the worst example yet of the spell her presence seems to cast over older male filmmakers - one that compells them to hand her underwritten fantasy-girlfriend roles that mainly involve flitting around like Tinkerbell for their chastely-leering camera. Is there a more criminally-underutilized actress currently working?

In between their utterly unconvincing will-they/won't-they drift a dizzying number of minor story-beats, go-nowhere subplots and Oh-So-Crowe scenes of people lounging about and losing themselves in needle-drop pop music: Bumpy wants land-rights to a mountain in exchange for the blessing. Danny McBride's goof-up soldier is nicknamed "fingers" for some reason. Gilcrest and Ng encounter a parade of Hawaiian warrior-ghosts. It happens to be Christmas for no reason. Mute Husband walks out because he feels inferior to Gilcrest. There's a scene where Murray and Stone dance for no real reason. The Menehune (dwarf-like spirits in Hawaiian mythology) may be about at one point. Ng and McAdams' younger kid are both fixated on an approaching holiday related to the Goddess Pele. Said younger kid is also an amature videographer whose obsessive filmming of his island home's goings-on (remember when we asked filmmakers to be subtle about self-insert characters?) may or may not have captured evidence that something sinister is going into space along with that satellite - something that would violate a promise from Ng to Bumpy that the army will not put weapons in the sky over Hawaii. Oh, and Alex Baldwin is there.

It's all as ridiculous as it sounds, but without the enthusiastic go-for-broke gumption that characterized more noble recent failures like JUPITER ASCENDING or the initial wave of Tyler Perry productions. Instead it's boring, the obvious result of studio attempts to salvage a dud by cutting for time even though Crowe was obviously going for a setting-appropriate (though likely just as insufferable) laid-back pacing. In this respect it most-closely resembles another recent atrocity, LITTLE BOY (I've got to write that... thing up one of these days); at least until the finale, where (I warned you about SPOILERS:) Gilcrest redeems himself to Ng by contacting a computer-expert pal we've never seen before so that they can blow-up the evil satellite in orbit by uploading "the entire history of recorded sound" (mostly 70s pop-rock, because Cameron Crowe) into it's... mainframe, I guess? But! It's all okay because it turns out Bill Murray was actually a Bond Villain this whole time and that was his nuclear-missile on the satellite, not the Army's. So Brian not only saves his soul and (eventually) his ex's marriage, he gets to retire as World Savior and Ng's Hawaiian house-husband. Yay?

Supposedly this is all the "re-tooling" of an earlier project called DEEP TIKI, which would've featured Ben Stiller and Reese Witherspoon in the Cooper/Stone roles. The problems surrounding that version (namely the studio hated it and was losing patience with Crowe) came embarrassingly to light during the Sony email hacking scandal, but from the looks of things this was a salvage job that was never actually going to work. The popular notion that Crowe has been heading downhill since making his most personal work in ALMOST FAMOUS (which dovetails nicely with the second-wave indie scene kids co-opting his "earnest dork meets sexy life-coach" storyline en-masse) has been well proven by now, but ALOHA represents a whole new depth of failure: He's not simply playing the same old song, he can't even play it well anymore.

Also, asking Bradley Cooper to do his weaksauce "rakish charmer bro" schtick in the same movie as the actual Bill Murray is unfair to the point of cruelty - it's like watching a birthday party magician step to Gandalf The White... but that probably would've been true no matter who was directing.


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Review: TOMORROWLAND

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Despite the fact that I believe "pure objectivity" in criticizing films, entertainment or anything else is impossible, largely useless as a pursuit and shouldn't be of primary import either to critics or people reading them; I do worry about times when my own biases might get in the way of things. Not because I might violate some nimrod's vision of "ethics" (whatever the hell that means anymore) but because I don't want to write anything I'll be embarrassed about a year or so later.

So, if nothing else, I can say I appreciate having seen TOMORROWLAND in exactly one respect: This is a movie that's made by people I like about a subject that's near and dear to my heart and has a bunch of Big Idea moral/philosophical points to make about humanity, society, art, culture and the ordering of the world itself that could've been pulled wholesale from own psyche... so I'm kind of glad that I found it so plodding, patronizing, preachy and wrongheaded - at least I'm "unbiased" enough to have been able to look past all the stuff I'd otherwise be desperate to like (or even to excuse.)

SPOILERS (which are unavoidable) after the jump:



TOMORROWLAND comes courtesy of director Brad Bird and writer Damon Lindelof, so it's not exactly a shock that it's a longform fable jointly extolling the virtue of individuals not following society's prescribed roles and encouraging society to get the hell out of the way of its more exceptional individuals so they can get busy improving the world for everyone (Bird is best known for RATAOUILLE and THE INCREDIBLES) ...that fails completely as a work of storytelling, is more interested in thematic sleight of hand than a cohesive narrative and is alternately boring and confusing with all the clarity (and more interesting details) relegated to "mystery box" lore-building in the margins and online-"ARG" bullshit (Lindelof is guilty of both LOST and PROMETHEUS.) 

It's a feature-length first act full of hints and mysteries amid generic action/road-trip beats, all building to a profoundly unsatisfying denouement wherein characters deliver truncated TED Talks directly to the audience and a coda (which I've already seen one person aptly describe as "United Colors of Benetton Randianism") that actually gets across Bird's apparent point so powerfully that it makes the preceding rest of the movie feel even more disposable. There's a big, richly-concieved mythology to this story, hinted at in the background details of the film itself; and yet it feels like, having mapped out the history and future of the titular Tomorrowland, Bird and Lindelof decided to make a movie about the least interesting portion of it. Imagine if the original STAR WARS TRILOGY was just one movie entirely about Luke visiting Yoda for the second time, but the much more interesting events of A NEW HOPE, EMPIRE and JEDI were constantly being talked about (unseen) the whole time, and you'll have an idea of how self-defeating TOMORROWLAND feels.

The film opens at the 1964 World's Fair, where a kid inventor loses an invention contest because his jet pack doesn't work but receives an "invitation pin" from a mysterious little girl named Athena that activates when he takes a spin on the Mark I version of "It's A Small World" and beams him to what looks like The Future... as imagined in 1964 (gleaming cities of scientific progress, robots, automated-everything and, of course, jet-packs, etc.) The story then leaps forward (there's a dumb "feels-like-a-rewrite" framing device) to The Future... as it actually turned out, aka our own present: Everything sucks, everyone gobbles up doomsday news reports and dystopian futurism without trying to fix or prevent it, pessimism reigns and the future-forwardism symbolized by the World's Fair scenes seems dead; symbolized most iconically by the dismantling of the NASA Space Shuttle program. This is where I was sure the movie had me: I am, and forever will be, an unapologetic "Where's My Jetpack?" futurist in both my gooey "Rocketships! Wheeeee!" heart and my cold, hardened technocratic brain.

Anyway! An optimistic, science-loving girl named Casey (Britt Robertson) has been trying to sabotage the decomissioning of a NASA launch platform, which nets her a visit from the somehow still young Athena (I know you've already guessed, but the movie wants you to play along) and a pin of her own that produces a timed holographic projection of Tomorrowland; where she's told that special, exceptional people like her are welcomed to put their gifts to greater, unencumbered use. But it also leads to her being hunted by a succession of humanoid robots (I know, I know, and they still drag out the reveal for no reason...) and ordered by Athena to seek out help from a Tomorrowlander in exile: The kid from the opening, now grown into a hermit/inventor named Frank (George Clooney) who can help them get back "there" if the robots don't get them first.

So... yeah: Driven young woman disillusioned by a world sinking into mediocrity seeks out gruff genius for access to a secret city where humanity's betters can ply their craft without the petty normals holding them back - if Brad Bird really does want people to stop bugging him about what some see as "soft Objectivism" in his movies (INCREDIBLES in particular); putting together what boils down to "Walt Disney's ATLAS SHRUGGED For Non-Sociopaths" might not've been the most logical next career move. Either way, from that point on the film is effectively "Tween TERMINATOR as a road-trip," as Casey and (eventually) Frank and Athena make their way to the goal while veeeeeery slooooooooowly teasing out the details of what's going on and why for no discernible reason beyond Lindelof's continued fealty to the worst impulses of his mentor JJ "Mystery Box" Abrams.

I want to be clear here, for the record: I purposefully didn't watch any of the ARG/backstory/mythology stuff online until after seeing the movie, so my objection to how long it takes TOMORROWLAND to get to the point isn't based on some kind of fanboyish desire to get to the "cool stuff" I already knew about. Even taken strictly on its own merits, the slow-drip plotting combined with super-generic "go here, do this" Dan Brown-esque storytelling is labored and mechanical, transparently serving zero purpose other than "We're building to a reveal, okay?"

So what's the Big Idea? Starting at the turn of the century, an organization of the world's best and brightest innovators (scientists, engineers, artists, writers, thinkers, activists, etc) conspired to set up a safe-space (in what appears to be an alternate-dimension) where they could innovate and create their way to solutions for a utopian future free from the interference of greed, profit, politics or (unsaid, but implied) the nagging of narrow-minded normals. "Tomorrowland" is the fruit of these so-called "Plus-Ultras" labors (membership including Edison, Tesla, Eiffel, Verne, Amelia Earhardt, Einstein, Ray Bradbury and Walt Disney himself) and their long-term plan was to A.) send robo-kids like Athena to Earth scouting for potential exceptionals to recruit and B.) ultimately reveal Tomorrowland to humanity and make that "model future" the actual future. But something went wrong involving an invention of Frank's, leading to his exile and Tomorrowland's cynical Governor Nix (Hugh Laurie) cutting off contact between the two worlds; which has had the side-effect of turning Earth into the progress-resisting pit it (in the film's and evidently Bird's jetpacks/NASA/robots/gadgets = The Good Future view of things) is today.

Heavy-handed, sure, but not totally a lost cause premise-wise. But the film doesn't stop there - it can't leave well enough alone, can't trust the audience to grasp an esoteric concept like imaginative-entropy as an antagonist; ultimately insisting on thuddingly literal "explanation" that, yes, resorts to creating a singular Bad Guy to punch and a Doomsday Machine that just needs to get turned off. I'd like to think that these are concessions to a story that just wouldn't come together - that Bird didn't start out with such a crummy setup, or that maybe this is once again Lindelof doing what he does. But as the climax plods on and one character after another explains their motivations in droning philosophical lecture-form, I just kept sitting there being astonished (and yet bored) by just how badly this was all falling apart - and I don't just mean the fact that someone thought it was a good extra plot detail that Frank's grumpy disillusionment mostly comes from having fallen for Athena when they (looked) the same age, freaking out when he realized she was a robot and still not being "over" her as an adult.

No, really.

Symbolically, it makes sense: She's a walking-metaphor representing the promise of the future that drew Frank to Tomorrowland in the first place but turned him off as the difficulties behind realizing that kind of promise becomes more clear... but in practice? Onscreen? Yeah... it's George Clooney mooning over a "wise beyond her years" child; and I can't comprehend how that got through production with no one asking if it added anything (it doesn't) to justify how creepy it was bound to come off?

But I digress. Big-But-More-Simplified-Idea #2 is that before leaving Tomorrowland Frank invented a machine that could calculate and predict the future, and images if impending ecological-disaster on Earth ultimately led Nix to terminate the "integrate normal-humanity and Plus Ultras" plan: See, he decided to start beaming the machine's "the end is near" message into humanity's subconscious, hoping it would scare us into fixing the future ourselves... but instead it just made us start accepting and even "worshipping" the idea of innevitable dystopia - which in turn (drumroll) is actually causing the downbeat, anti-progress societal entropy that Casey has been fighting against. This, then, is TOMORROWLAND's (and, one can only infer, Bird and Lindelof's) Message to The Masses: The current popularity of dark/dystopian futures is literally ruining the world by way of self-fulfilling prophecy, and if only we all shared Bird's preference/affection for Kennedy-era "everything is possible" futurism we'd instead be once again driven to repair and improve the world.

Now, thematically? That's music to my ears - see above. But as presented here it's a clusterfuck: We're told that Casey is "Special" and "Smart" and that's why she's The One who can avert the end of the world... but there isn't a "why" there in any concrete way. Her intellect is mostly expressed via a handiness with technology hand-waved by "She knows how things work," but not through anything else. Her gift is super-optimism (she literally makes the Doomsday Machine change the probability of armaggeddon by standing near it and being "plucky") but it only really manifests in the form of trite metaphors about the Power of Positive Thinking ("There are two wolves always fighting...") - which occasionally makes it feel like the film was aiming for "Atlas Shrugged" but slipped and settled for "The Secret" instead. Either way, it really doesn't matter because when we finally get to the finale... it turns out it's Frank's job to save world, instead.

Seriously. The one indisputably laudable aspect of this narrative, making the obligatory science-whiz do-gooder techie kid female without turning "It's a GIRL!!!???" into a surprise or plot-point, get's sidelined in favor of the more famous Name Star guy for the big finish. Once again, it makes thematic sense mechanically (Athena turns herself into a bomb for Frank to destroy The Machine with, a literal playing-out of his need to let go of both his youthful disappointments and the need to know/control the future born out of them) but it turns the plot into an even bigger mess: If Casey's Super Optimism Powers aren't enough to convince Nix to end his schemes and her ingenuity plays no real role in stopping the Big Evil, why is the whole movie up to this point about building her up? 

And no, it's not so she can take Frank's place - they both survive to end the film on dispatching a new generation of Athenas to seek out and invite a new crop of (admirably diverse) exceptionals to become the next wave of Plus Ultras. We similarly never really get a sense of why Tomorrowland is also in a state of gloom, other than that it's aesthetically-appropriate to the finale: Wouldn't Nix make mollifying his own population a priority? The whole movie is like that: A confused, jumbled, self-defeating slog that can't keep anything about itself straight because everything is focused on getting us to the next opportunity for Casey (or Frank, or Athena, or even Nix) to scold the audience for not making "turn the world into a Popular Science cover" enough of a priority... and more troublingly, it's completely tone-deaf about how some of this sounds coming out of Frank: In 2015, there needs to be at least a fig leaf of self-awareness when a white guy in his 50s starts talking about how much better things were (regardless of context) "in his day" when "his day" still routinely included Civil Rights marchers getting hit with dogs and firehoses.

I really wanted to like this. I wanted to like it based on what I could intuit it was about/saying pre-release, I wanted to like it as it was going and when it finally got around to explaining itself I was in mourning for what could have been. The ideas here - the "Walt Disney Presents BIOSHOCK" skeleton of a story - are fascinating, and it has things to say that I happen to agree desperate need to be said and heard. But you have to make the movie first, or at least figure out what the movie is even about. TOMORROWLAND is a half-baked lecture in search of a movie to occupy, and if we really are doomed unless said lecture gets absorbed we'd best hope the Athena 2.0s' are a lot better at communicating a message than Damon Lindelof is.


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Here's Some Crazy Guessing About CIVIL WAR, HULK and RAGNAROK

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Hey! Haven't done one of these in awhile, and now is as good a time as any. We're between Marvel Cinematic Universe movies right now, and while it's possible that ANT-MAN is going to drop some kind of important Universe-altering plot point, I wouldn't call it likely. Whatever really got between Edgar Wright and Marvel, everything about the production of this I've heard is that a big part of Marvel's solution to "what do we do with what pieces are already assembled from this movie?"  will have been to frontload it with Continuity-Lover Cookies relating to the backstories of the other franchises; the gamble being that making this film/character "essential" to a completist's understanding of  The Lore will overshadow any potential letdown feelings among the core fandom; whose inter-film chattering (yes, like pieces like this) the generation of is part of the MCU's long-term marketing aparatus.

And with the "things to come" tease from AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON being effectively the same as the one from AVENGERS ("That beefy purple guy is up to something!"), that effectively leaves the "where is everything going?" stuff up to rampant speculation until the trailers start hitting for CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR. But! These things are planned both long-term and with a lot of wiggle room for potentially go-nowhere threads (where's The Leader right now, again?), and with that plus a working knowledge of Marvel Comics history, it's occasionally been possible to work out where things are going.

So let's try some of that out. Obviously, everything from this point on (i.e. "after the jump") is chock full of **SPOILERS** for the existing Marvel movies and potential-spoilers for the ones that don't exist yet:

Okay! In list form:


1. CIVIL WAR WILL NOT BE VERY SIMILAR TO THE COMICS:
If there's a working comics-to-screen adaptation "formula" for the Marvel movies thus far, it's this: Silver Age style/theme + Title/noteworthy character/macguffin from recent modern "event" book + original/"re-imagined" story = $$$. See: AGE OF ULTRON, which is as nutty as the nuttiest Lee/Kirby joint (killer robot exists for a few days, makes "logical" plan to levitate a country and drop it on Earth to simulate an extinction-level asteroid impact, this can be solved via men and women in Halloween costumes punching robots) and shares a name (and only a name) with a popular recent Ultron-centric comic miniseries but is otherwise a story original to the Cinematic Universe.

Thusly, I'd say it's fairly unlikely that CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR will follow the storyline of the "Civil War" comics event very closely. I imagine there will be marketing-friendly similarities (good guys fighting good guys, I bet they'll do some variation on the infamous "Who's Side Are You On?" campaign with the licensing - do you want Cap's Pizza Hut deal or Iron Man's!!??) mainly centered on Cap and Iron Man as enemies; but it won't be about a superhero version of gun control and I can even imagine there not being two "teams" of heroes arguing over whether or not to register their secret identities. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me at all if the "teams" are Captain America as leader of "all" superheroes versus Iron Man and The Government/Military.

That said: There's a wild-card here: AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D, which has introduced three Big Ideas to the MCU (1. S.H.I.E.L.D is reborn, but now they're operations are even more secretive, 2. Coulson is building a "Secret Avengers" of superhumans, 3. An unknown but substantial number of humans on Earth are actually Inhumans whose latent powers can only be unlocked by exposure to crystals, a cache of which is unaccounted for and a rogue batch of which has accidentally been released into the world's oceanic food/drug supply) any one of which could be a tie-in to CW's plot if the positive reception for the series' second season means the Marvel TV/movie wall is about to come down.


2. CIVIL WAR WILL ALSO NOT BE "AVENGERS 2.5"
The handwringing about the CAPTAIN AMERICA series' own storylines being derailed by what feels like a chance to squeeze an extra AVENGERS midquel is justified, theoretically, but I've yet to see/hear anything that convinces me that many/most of the "cameo" characters will be just that.

I can see the New (as of AGE OF ULTRON) Avengers team - Widow, War Machine, Scarlet Witch, Vision and Falcon - being main support-players, but Black Panther? He's a head of state in addition to being a hero, so it's sensible he'd have a presence for a scene or two in a movie about an "international incident;" but he doesn't need to be a featured player. Spider-Man? Well, they'll want him onscreen for at least one or two BIG pops, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's mainly there to share an exchange with one of the Big Guns and maybe relate a quickie version of his basic origin to somebody so they don't have to do it in his own movie... But! I can easily imagine "Peter Parker, nosy freelance news photographer" being a major side-character. Also: A storyline about things breaking down between the government/military and the superhero community would be a fine place for an Officer/Agent/whatever Carol Danvers to either acquire (or turn out to have always had) the powers of CAPTAIN MARVEL.


3. CAPTAIN AMERICA WILL "DIE" IN CIVIL WAR
Why is there a new Avengers team at the end of ULTRON? Because most of the Original Six are almost done with their mandatory-appearances under the original contracts, and Marvel wants two AVENGERS movies before they say goodbye instead of just one - so the various storylines (allegedly) are conspiring to ensure that said O.G. Avengers sit out INFINITY WAR: PART I so they can make an epic One Last Ride return in INFINITY WAR: PART II.

As of now: The Hulk is MIA (we'll come back to that). Iron Man is semi-retired and likely to be further ostracized after CIVIL WAR. Hawkeye has (literally) been sent away to live on a happy farm somewhere upstate. Black Widow was partially ready to bolt in ULTRON, could easily do so post-CW. Thor can always be easily sidelined by "He's busy. Asgard stuff," and the title of his next movie refers to the literal Apocalypse for the Norse Gods. That leaves Captain America, and if there's one Big Deal thing to keep from the "Civil War" comics apart from Steve vs. Tony it's that Cap ends up taking a bullet for his stand.

Furthermore: I'd bet that the "search for Bucky" part of this story ends more quickly than many are expecting. We know from the end of WINTER SOLDIER that he's at least somewhat "better," so it's not outside the realm of possibility that he shows up in CIVIL WAR long enough to complicate things (or maybe he and/or Daniel Bruhl's Baron Zemo are at the center of the "incident" that starts the war?), have it out heart-to-heart with Steve and then take his first step to becoming the new Captain America after Steve dies. Hell, the setup there writes itself: Cap and Bucky find themselves in other scenario where he (Bucky) is in mortal danger, and this time it's Cap who makes the ultimate sacrifice to save his buddy. Boom. Bucky becomes the new Cap, joining whatever The Avengers are post-WAR. Steve Rogers, of course, will still come back for INFINITY WAR: PART II. How? Well...


4. DOCTOR STRANGE WILL BE A MOVIE ABOUT DEATH
THOR did an adequate job introducing the one-sentence version of how mystical/magic stuff works in the MCU: "Magic and crazy comic-book super-science? Same thing." But apart from establishing that the Norse Gods were real but actually a race of super-strong, long-lived interdimensional aliens it didn't really go into any of the bigger questions that raises: What about ghosts? Demons? Other religious/supernatural things a lot of present-day people believe in? If Odin is (was?) a real guy, what about Zeus? Vishnu? Yahweh?

It makes logical sense that DOCTOR STRANGE (the next release after CIVIL WAR) will be the movie to answer (or at least visualize) that stuff. Oh - I don't think the religious stuff will be addressed: Marvel is cautious when it comes to "real world" potential offense (look how much time the first CAPTAIN AMERICA spends making sure HYDRA and Red Skull can exist as bad guys with as little Nazi/swastika presence as possible) and the presence of supernatural stuff explicitly tied to currently-practiced world religions could be problematic in the Red States and render the film potentially unreleaseable in, say, China, which has strict rules about portraying mysticism and religion in film.

But! With the more D&D/LOTR/Potter-esque fantasy/magic stuff already being all over THOR and GUARDIANS now primed to handle the various space-beings and starchildren, Stephen Strange is going to need to need a unique Cosmic Marvel "niche" to set himself apart. Paying lip-service to the fact that he can also keep company with Asgardians and the cosmic-personifications of Infinity and Eternity (and Death, but we'll get to that) but mainly focusing him in the direction (at least for a debut) of the Marvel Universe's less-explainable (outside of "Magic, okay?") phenomena - two major aspects of which have already winked at the camera over on DAREDEVIL, incidentally.

Basically, I think they'll pitch Strange as an exorcist, but a non-denominational, more "wizardy" one; and that his first adventure will involve establishing (in safe, broad strokes) a non-denominational, possibly "everyone sees what they want to" MCU-version of The Afterlife as yet another plane for these stories to exist on... and a way for killed-off characters to still pop up as ghosts or even straight-up come back to life without needing half a season of a TV show to explain how.

Million dollar question: What does this mean about Thanos? For those who still haven't had a comic fan talk their ear off about this, the "to court death" line in AVENGERS is meant literally: In the Marvel Universe, sufficiently powerful/cosmically-aware beings can actually perceive and interact with personifications of esoteric concepts up to and including Death. Thanos is not only "aware" of Death, he has a literal romantic fixation on "her" and wants to massacre the universe as a token of romantic affection - that's, literally, his entire "thing." Do I imagine we'll see Death "herself" in this movie? Sort of... but only as a tease for a more important role later.


5. NOTHING LONG-TERM IMPORTANT WILL HAPPEN IN SPIDER-MAN
Whatever reputation-solidifying (for Amy Pascal) niceties are on paper, the new SPIDER-MAN solo movie (the next "canon" Marvel movie after STRANGE) is a Marvel Studios production being undertaken "offsite" by Sony but still under orders from Kevin Feige and company.

Even still, given that they'd already started production on several subsequent Disney-branded Marvel movies before adding this one to the roster, I doubt this will connect to the "big doings" other than through references and guest-appearances (the prominent rumor is that the title is "SPIDER-MAN: THE NEW/NEXT/YOUNG AVENGER" and that the plot involves the high-school aged hero bugging Tony Stark for an "official" tryout) and if so I think that's for the best. Spider-Man is a street-level hero, he has no business involved in Thanos/Infinity/End-of-The-World level stuff unless it spills into his area and he becomes the "stand when others won't" guy. I'd be surprised (and disappointed, frankly) if Norman Osborn is walking around with an Infinity Stone in his lapel or something.

Honestly, though? The only "bigger MCU" person I'm really aching to see Spidey meet is The Kingpin. D'Onofrio is Marvel's new best villain, and he needs to meet the hero he originated with just once.


6. THE GUARDIANS WILL MEET THE HULK
I feel much, much less confident about this than anything else in all this speculation, but I'm putting it here anyway. AGE OF ULTRON ends with The Hulk shooting himself... somewhere on a Quinjet. Supposedly, the plan was originally to make it clear that he's shot himself off the planet Earth itself to allow for PLANET HULK sometime down the line, but that plan changed and it's now unclear if Marvel has yet re-acquired the rights to solo HULK movies. That all seems fishy, and either way the possibility for Hulk to be in space is still right there.

So call this one a Hail Mary guess: Marvel knows that GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY is, however unplanned-for, it's second hottest solo property outside of IRON MAN, and they know people love Hulk. It makes sense to have them cross-over as a way of getting halfway to a solo HULK feature, at least for now. I doubt it'd be the plot of the entire GUARDIANS 2, but since the first movie used Sakkarans (natives of the planet "Planet Hulk" took place on) the door is already open for Starlord etc. to find themselves in, say, a Sakkaran gladiatorial arena and forced to fight... The Hulk!

People would go nuts - you know they would, especially if they kept it a secret - and it would only take one quick narrated flashback for Banner to explain that he crashed on this planet. There's also a more pertinent reason for them to meet up: Banner has information The Guardians will want - there's an Infinity Stone on Earth, which means Thanos is going there. Remember, if you're Marvel your top priority should be figuring out how to the mega-popular Starlord etc onto the same screen-space as The Avengers.


7. THOR: RAGNAROK WILL BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PRE-INFINITY WAR MOVIE
THOR's main job in Phase I outside of introducing its title character was kick-starting awareness of the "cosmic" side of the MCU. It's roll as the hub of cosmic worldbuilding in these films has likely been passed to the (unexpectedly) much more popular GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY), but the big strokes of this project were mapped out long in advance: Marvel wheeled out the full prop of The Infinity Gauntlet at SDCC a year before THOR or CAPTAIN AMERICA came out and then stuck it into Odin's vault as a background detail, for example (apparently it's not the same one Thanos has at the end of ULTRON), which suggests that Thor was originally going to be the vessel through which Big Cosmic Evil fell onto the rest of The Cinematic Universe... and I think it still will be. Partially.

"Ragnarok" is classical Norse mythology's version of The Apocalypse - a combination of wars, betrayals and natural disasters that will result in the death of most of the important gods (including Thor, Odin, Loki and Heimdall) and the destruction/rebirth of the human world. In the Comics Universe, Ragnarok is (generally, they've retconned this a few times) a prophecy that hasn't come true yet, but they keep coming close: A Godzilla-scale demon called Surtur nearly pulled it off in the middle of New York during Walt Simonson's legendary 80s "Thor" run, ultimately turned back by Thor himself leading the combined forces of Asgard and the U.S. Army against him. Surtur is slated to turn up in THOR: RAGNAROK, so... do the math: Whatever happens in the third THOR installment is going to be really big and really bad.

However! Thor's series also has plenty of loose threads to handle already: "Odin" is actually Loki in disguise, which (along with its own obvious problems) could mean that Odin is dead. In AGE OF ULTRON, Thor has a vision of himself (and others) in either a literal or metaphorical "Hell;" and though cut down to the point of incoherence in the theatrical release, it feels like Thor's return to the death-world "vision" to become the first (non-Guardian) MCU figure to know that the MacGuffins they've been chasing are actually Infinity Stones was meant to tie the two together.

Why is that important? Because in Norse mythology, Hel (single "l") is the Realm of The Dead - The Afterlife - for pretty-much anyone who isn't fit for Valhalla. And the god-figured tasked with ruling over it - "Hela" - is both a big recurring villain for the Marvel version of Thor etc... and also happens to be female. Get the picture? Marvel has gone pretty far in getting the weirdest parts of their Universe onscreen, but Thanos making goo-goo eyes at a vaugely female-looking black-robed skeleton is probably the one step too far. But a female Asgardian equivalent to the same basic idea... a "Goddess of Death" instead of an esoteric personification of the same (with some semantic "rose by any other name" handwaves courtesy of DOCTOR STRANGE if she does a walk-on in his movie first)? Audiences would probably swallow that much more readily.


SUMMATION:

So yeah - that's my Big Guess here: DOCTOR STRANGE confirms that there's an Afterlife/Beyond/whatever in the Cinematic Universe. THOR: RAGNAROK will involve Thor having/choosing to go to Hel - possibly to retrieve or converse with the presumed-dead Odin and opening the door for other "dead" characters to remain in the mix somehow - and meeting/clashing with Hela (traditionally she's Loki's daughter, by the way) who will turn out to be the MCU version of the paramour Thanos is scheming to woo by collecting Infinity Stones and doing... something bad with them; which will lead us right into AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR - PART I.

Agree? Disagree? We'll all find out over the course of the next few years... but I think when all is said and done I'll have more of this right than wrong.


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In Bob We Trust: BLURRY ROAD

"Chocolate with SPRINKLES!!!"

All the world is gasoline, and Eli Roth is the guy who just can't stop flicking his cigarettes...



So it's FUNNY GAMES if FUNNY GAMES wasn't pretentious self-fellating bullshit - color me onboard.

The hook this time is that Roth is (supposedly) dialing back on the gore in favor psychological torment, which I don't think the radical prospect it'll likely be treated as by mainstream critics: Roth's secret has never been his willingness to spill blood, but his willingness to spill it in defiance of audiences' expectations of narrative "rightness." The notorious blood-bathing sequence in HOSTEL II isn't just horrifying because of what's happening, but because it's happening completely without reason to the most likable/vulnerable character in the film without even the fig-leaf of "the naughty kids die first" perverse cosmic justice of the FRIDAY THE 13TH or NIGHTMARE cycles. Which, unfortunately, means that French bulldog is probably toast :(

He's also insidiously skilled at breaking movie-taboos you don't realize are taboos until you see them broken: the shots showing the girls' (apparently?) destroying his wife and childrens' belongings just to fuck with him are for some reason so much more distrubing conceptually than the torture shots. He's also delightfully unafraid to follow the story to a logical point without caring if there's a "bad" message you could take away - it's easy to imagine a version of this premise framing the home-invaders' as sort-of righteous ("angy angels of vengeance punishing a suburban patriarch for adulterous Skinemax-fantasy indulgence") but you can likely count on Roth to stick with his favorite themes of innate human shittiness and evil existing for its own sake.

Either way, we'll find out whenever Lionsgate decides to release this. I imagine it's going to be a limited-theatrical/VOD thing like most semi-indie horror these days, but I'd hope the studio who knew a phenomenon when they saw it in the original SAW would understand what they've potentially got here. Keanu is very much "back" in the wake of JOHN WICK, and even if Roth's name doesn't carry the cache with mainstream audiences it does with horror fans the "Every dude's fantasy goes baaaaaad!" hook in the trailers could easily turn this into "see it to discuss it" phenomenon like FATAL ATTRACTION (or, more recently, GONE GIRL.)

Pitch Me, Mr. B: CAPTAIN PLANET

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Really, guys?

Okay, you're in charge. I just really didn't expect this to be the second most-request thing to see written up. But, okay. Here's how I'd pitch a hypothetical re-invention of CAPTAIN PLANET to a movie studio.

To be fair, this one presents a different challenge from MEGA MAN: Instead of trying to stretch a plot out of a fairly simple (storywise) set of video games, the goal here is not simply to turn a superhero cartoon into a feature film but to "retool" the mythos of the franchise itself from the ground up. To put it charitably, CAPTAIN PLANET was a weird creature - ostensibly an bit of well-intentioned ecological-proselytizing aimed at 90s schoolkids, it was also filtered through the... interesting prism of creator/back Ted Turner's eccentric personal take on the subject and the genre. On top of all that, a lot of it's then-relevant political/social/scientific context has shifted over the decades and likely needs a second look.

Anyway...



Here we go:

OPEN on pre-historic Earth. We witness the animal residents of a small island frantically fleeing what at first appears to be a huge earthquake.

The "quake" is actually the arrival of ZARM, an absolutely massive creature moving across the ocean and soon overtaking and obliterating the island. Zarm is pure Lovecraftian nightmare-fuel: Tall as a mountain and wide as a continent, so big it's almost impossible to comprehend. What of it is visible above the ocean surface (presumably it's "legs" go all the way down to the sea floor) is a mass of heaving, slime-covered bulk, with seemingly thousands of eyes, hundreds of "mouths" and dozens of huge arms, all ranging in shape from resembling the limbs of humans, mammals, reptiles, insects, even tentacles. It's very presence is toxic - the sea boils for miles around it, and "vents" in its body spews clouds noxious smoke into the air... and it is heading for the mainland.

On a cliff overlooking the sea stand four SHAMANS (think wizards, but as cavemen) staring out at the approaching Zarm with grim determination. Each holds a staff topped with CRYSTAL representing (respectively) Earth, Wind, Water and Fire.

The Shamans exchange a look and raises their staffs in unison, creating an energy-storm over the water from which emerges CAPTAIN PLANET...

...but not the one we know (and not called that yet - if the Shamans spoke, they'd call him "The Champion.") This guy looks more like Zeus: Burly, bearded and wearing a toga (the blue skin/green hair look is in effect, but with an "inner glow" - think Doctor Manhattan.)

The Champion engages Zarm, firing energy-blasts, calling down lightning, summoning wind conjuring tidal-waves and even heaving massive chunks of earth; but none of it is effective. The monster cannot be stopped.

At the cliffs, one of the Shamans notices a fifth man (looking similar to the others) crouched amid some rocks away from them, also watching the action. Whoever this is, he's recently lost a fight: covered in bruises, cuts and blood; he watches the battle with a mysterious, dark gaze.

The Champion sees something on one of the island-size mounds of rock he's unsuccessfully tossed into Zarm's path: The revealed fossilized skeleton of a Dinosaur. It gives him an idea.

Using what appears to be an utterly tremendous reserve of his strength, The Champion takes command of gravity itself, willing Zarm almost completely out of the water and manipulating huge energy fields to compress and crush the creature alive. It roars in anger and (maybe?) pain, which thrills the Shamans but seems to concern the mysterious fifth man.

With the last of his power, The Champion forces Zarm (now compressed almost-entirely into a churning mass of viscous liquid) down through the water and into the crust of the Earth itself, using the last of his power to seal the somehow still-living beast there for good. Exhausted to the point of breaking, The Champion sagely intones (in caveman-speak) "The Power is Yours!" before once again becoming energy and scattering to oblivion.

Victorious, the four Shamans walk away from the cliffs. They pass by the fifth man in the distance, deliberately paying him no mind. Lingering, we now see that he, too is a Shaman - or at least was: We see that his Staff is broken in two, and he carries pieces a broken Crystal.

We cut to The Present, HOPE ISLAND - in this version a small privately-owned island in general area of MICRONESIA.

There is no (real) incarnation of Gaia in this version. Hope Island, we soon learn, is owned by movie star BAMBI BLYTHE and serves as a fully-staffed research facility for Bambi's scientist sister DR. BARBARA BLYTHE, who oversees a staff conducting experiments in geo-engineering and environmental science.

Blythe (Barbara) is brilliant and cares sincerely about saving the planet, but is a figure of controversy, viewed as the walking symbol of the "Silicon Valley-ification" of environmentalism by supporters and enemies alike for her willingness to embrace unorthodox chemical and technological solutions to pollution-reduction. Detractors in both mainstream and radical-but-in-the-other-direction environmentalism have nicknamed her "Doctor Blight."

Most controversial are implications that she supports radical approaches to ecological-restoration, such as forced-relocation of human populations to "re-wild" key areas and reducing aid to both at-risk people and animals in order to encourage eco-beneficial population-reduction in the long-term. Privately, Blight is adherent of the Earth-Echinus Hypothesis or "Gaia Theory," a belief that Earth itself is a sentient organism which she hopes to communicate with. She shares this extent of her philosophy only with MAL, an artificial intelligence program similar to IRON MAN's J.A.R.V.I.S.

This information is conveyed during a charity event on the island, which includes the introduction of four exceptional teenagers from around the world who have been selected as Blythe's top interns (a public-goodwill stunt mostly of Bambi's design that Barbara essentially tolerates). Yup, this is where our re-imagined PLANETEERS will come from:

WHEELER: On the series he was the dumb, boorish, conspicuously-consumptive American who was wrong about everything (so lessons could be learned). This Wheeler is an entirely new guy: A crunchy, dreadlocked, stoner-affecting skateboard enthusiast from Portland. A good guy and smarter than he lets on, but it's clear that his environmentalism (like his vegetarianism and "spirituality") are things he first came to for very surface-level reasons.

SABIYA: A bookish, self-consciously serious woman of Saudi Arab descent and of Muslim heritage, replacing Linka because it's no longer "novel" in 2015 for a Russian to be on the same team as an American and inexcusable for an "international" team to not feature any membership from the Middle East. The "hardcase" of the team.

KWAME: The oldest (but only by a few years) of the team, the son of a wealthy Rwandan businessman who instead wishes to study geology and worked for a time fighting poachers in wildlife preserves. Kind and generous, but also a reflexively skeptic who does not fully trust Blythe.

GI: Effectively the same character as the series, but definitively from China instead of "Asia." Physical and fun-loving, the most outgoing and "social" of the group; but also the most reflexively loyal to Dr. Blythe, whom she idolizes more like a rock star than a scientist (or a boss.)

We witness Gi's devotion firsthand when she (nearly) physically assaults a JOURNALIST who corners Blythe with "gotcha" questions at the event. Specifically, why have geologists traceable to her been seen around an (allegedly) grossly-exploitative mining operation run by the notoriously-unethical minerals-speculator LUTIN PLUNDER in South America?

The reason? Well, as far as the press and her interns known, Blythe is merely trying to conduct a secret survey of pollution caused by Plunder's mining. But in reality, Blythe believes that Plunder has unwittingly unearthed evidence of... "something" tied to an old legend about Shamanic crystals that could summon an Earth Spirit, which she believes to be tied to her Gaia Theory fixation. You see where this is going.

Blythe and the interns travel to the mine, ostensibly so that they (the interns) can collect samples but mainly so that she can try to purchase Plunder's aid in looking for "her" crystals.

A protest group of locals shows up (flanked by a NEWS TEAM) to cause unrest at the mine, inadvertently drawing the interns into a messy brawl. In the chaos, one of the protesters - a young teenaged boy named Ma-Ti - manages to fall into a deep pit, so the interns work together to get him out.

While extracting Ma-Ti, the team serendipitously discovers the hiding place of The Crystals, which Gi discreetly takes away to Blythe (but not so discreetly that Ma-Ti doesn't notice.)

At her "pop-up" camp/lab nearby, Blythe explains to the interns what's what: The Crystals are part of a legend about a Shamanic order on pre-historic Earth that could call on the elements to conjur a Champion who would fight for the Planet. She hopes to awaken their power and use The Champion's power to save Earth.

Wheeler notes that some of the "evidence" (mainly scans of cave drawings and old tablets) shows five Shamans, not four. Apparently, part of the legend involves the excommunication of a "betrayer" Shaman whose fifth crystal was a corrupting force that led him to side with The Destroyer (Zarm.) Final victory came only when he was cast out and his crystal neutralized.

Everything is interupted by an explosion at Plunder's mine that shakes the area, causing Ma-Ti (who'd been on the roof) to fall into the room.

Blythe and the Interns go to the mine (Ma-Ti chases after), where they discover that Plunder's cut-rate techniques have set an underground gas pocket on fire, which has set off multiple fires around the mine and threatens to blow up Ma-Ti's village nearby.

An explosion causes Blythe to drop the case with the crystals, scattering them. By happenstance, Gi picks up the Water Crystal and accidentally conjures a blast of water that douses a nearby fire.

The other Interns (and Blythe) exchange glances and get to work, haphazardly claiming the Crystals analagous to their powers from the series (Sabiya takes "Wind") and set about using them to contain the chaos... with mixed success. Frantically pulling old translations of the legend out of Mal, Blythe instructs them to do the "Let our powers combine" routine, summoning The Champion.

The Champion appears as before, but only at first - his physical form shifts around based on which power he's using or which Intern is calling out commands. He contains the explosions and secures the area, but while the others are impressed, Ma-Ti takes notice that The Champion appears indifferent to the humans or property amid what he's "saving."

The Champion senses that the gas pocket is still burning, set to cause another explosion "near the lake" and takes off. Ma-Ti tells the others that's where his village is, and they need to go control his (demonstrably) actions so he doesn't destroy it trying to save everything else.

Plunder boards his escape helicopter, ordering his underlings to "destroy the files, remove all traces." His assistant, already on the chopper, informs him that they should head out to sea because "Sludge has made a find."

The Champion wants to prevent the animals in the lake from being hurt by the explosion under the surface, and is blasting an "escape channel" for the water - right through the village, with only a cursory order for the people to get out of the way. The Interns arrive as the makeshift "river" ferries the fish etc into a temporary new pond, but the gas-explosion sends rocks and fire raining down on the village.

Ma-Ti and the Interns secure/evacuate the village (Ma-Ti rescues his pet monkey, SUCHI) while The Champion subdues the explosion and returns the lake to it's place, departing when the work is done. The villagers are confused and upset, and the News Team from before is capturing images that make the ostensible heroes look less than heroic by the time Blythe arrives - explaining to an questioning Mal that the best way to come out on top here is "Publicity."

Ma-Ti catches a fleeting glimpse of a strange figure (the "Betrayer" Shaman?) watching the scene, then vanishing.

At a huge press event on Hope Island, Blythe rolls out "THE PLANETEERS" (the Interns in modern variations on their uniforms from the series) as an initiative of her foundation, also revealing the conversion of the Crystals into RINGS and an intent to "re-brand" The Champion ("a manifestation of both The Elements and The Planeteers' collective will,") as CAPTAIN PLANET ("Superheroes are very big right now.") Furthermore, Ma-Ti has been brought-on as an "honorary" Planeteer for his heroics at the mine (and a face-saving gesture.)

But privately, Blythe has kept fragments of the Crystals left over from the Rings, and has Mal constructing a machine she believes will let her communicate with The Earth itself - not just the "avatar" her interns can now summon.

Plunder meets with his associate, SLY SLUDGE, on an oil-scouting ship in the middle of the ocean. Sludge reveals that he has discovered "seismic evidence" of a massive oil deposit in place under the seabed where "no oil has any business being, geographically speaking." Plunder orders his lackeys to start securing drilling rights to the area and to "Call the pig man."

You see where this is going: The "oil" Sludge has discovered is the spot where the remains of Zarm are still trapped.

On Hope Island, The Planeteers train to understand their new powers and to get "in sync" to better command Captain Planet when summoned. Officially, Ma-Ti's "honorary" job is to help them help Planet act with greater empathy, but Blythe is more interested in them getting Planet to manifest in the form that "tested well" (read: the version from the show.)

During this training, The Planeteers' personalities and relationships develop. Wheeler thinks it's a big game, and bonds with Ma-Ti through shared (relative) immaturity and Ma-Ti's ability to detect his (Wheeler's) growing, akward crush on Sabiya - who has become fixated on doing her own studies of the legends they've now found themselves participating in. Kwame emerges as the presumed team leader, but also bonds with Ma-Ti over similar family backgrounds.

Only Gi is cold to the younger member, owing to her unquestioning loyalty to Blythe; whom she hopes to impress with her creation of a supersonic, solar-fueled transport vehicle (The GEO-CRUISER.)

We also witness broadcasts (from the PLUNDER NEWS CHANNEL - Fox News, basically) of an editorial show hosted by DUKE NEWCOMB, a blustering bully in the Hannity/O'Reilly/Limbaugh mold who wears a Hawaiian shirt and rails against environmentalists in general and Blythe's Planeteer Initiative specifically; even taking exception to their use of "pagan witchcraft" re: the Rings. He also reports (unfavorably) on international political movements attempting (with little success) to stop Plunder Inc. ("Damn right he's my boss - he's a lot of people's bosses, because Looten Plunder is a job creator!") from buying the previously mentioned drilling rights.

Ma-Ti has a nightmare-within-a-nightmare wherein he sees a glimpse of Zarm, "wakes" to see The Betrayer standing over his bed, then wakes up for real.

Plunder begins construction on an oil-drilling platform, overseen by his underling HOGGISH GREEDLY, who is indeed pig-like in appearance.

Ma-Ti questions Sabiya about The Betrayer's role in the legends, which all appear to say the same thing: The Betrayer's Crystal held a non-elemental power, and whatever it was was "corrupt" and led him to side with "The Destroyer" (Zarm) over Earth; leading him to be cast out and enabling Earth to be saved. The translations are all rough, but they call this fifth power "HEART" ("What kind of stupid power is 'Heart?'" asks Wheeler) which most scholars have taken to mean that it had emotion or mind-control functions.

The Planeteers and Blythe watch Newcomb report on a protest against an aging nuclear power plant in the American Midwest. The protesters believe that the plant had a near-meltdown days ago, and that repairs are being covered up "in house" to avoid inspection. Blythe decides that investigating this issue could be a perfect opportunity to introduce Captain Planet to the public, and over Ma-Ti's concerns dispatches The Planeteers to the scene.

At the plant protest, Kwame and Sabiya's powers detect irregularities in the air/earth that indicate something has indeed gone wrong at the plant. Inside, we see that the containment systems are failing and the workers are furious that they are being prevented from summoning more substantial help.

Over Ma-Ti's protestations (too soon, not ready, etc) they summon Captain Planet - this time looking like the one you remember from the show but affecting a patronizing "50s Superman" overconfidence - to go investigate/help the situation. Seeing Planet fly into the plant, Duke orders his camera-crew to follow him into the buildings.

Planet begins to secure the core from meltdown, but the Planeteers (prodded by Ma-Ti) entreat him to rescue the workers first. He does, but only after prodding and it's clearly not his first priority: When he attempts to extract Newcomb, the bigmouthed journalist scoffs and feigns resistance... and Planet lets him be and immediately moves on - leaving Duke incredulous.

The workers are safe (but no one can find Newcomb...), but the meltdown begins to occur anyway. The Captain prevents mass-disaster by drawing all radiation and fallout into himself and expelling the energy as a concentrated beam safely into the sun. It works, but he collapses and returns to the Rings; explaining that prolonged contact with pollution/impurities can weaken him.

None the less, Captain Planet & The Planeteers are heroes. We see them hit the talk show circuit, parade and sports-event appearances, multiple vignettes of Captain Planet and his "pals" fighting back against various ecological calamities: Forest-fires, drought-blighted cities, chemical spills, dust-storms, garbage overflow, e-waste dumping, etc. The public loves it - and even Plunder News is getting rich off anti-Planeteer stories and the "mystery" of the still-missing Duke Newcomb.

Amid the world-saving, we also see the Planeteers adjusting to their new roles: Wheeler takes to celebrity like he was born into it, and when the press zeroes in on the obvious chemistry between him and Sabiya she finds herself coming out of her shell, too. Kwame is the "serious" face of the team, appearing on news shows, speaking at graduations, meeting with fundraisers and businessmen, etc; but he's also bonding more strongly with Ma-Ti (who, incidentally, still finds himself glimpsing "The Betrayer" in crowds and shadows.) Gi is also friendly with Ma-Ti, and confides in the boy that she's confused by numbers and data Blythe now has her crunching and testing without any research context...

Meanwhile, the countdown to completion continues at Plunder's oil platform, with a test-probe finding access to the Zarm "oil" - a bit of which leaks into the water, mutating some small sea-bugs into dog-sized insect creatures that climb up onto the platform, only to be driven off by Greedly's mercenaries in a brief action beat. Plunder orders it covered up, and also receives "big news."

Plunder News broadcasts "recently recovered" footage uploaded to their servers automatically by Duke Newcomb's remote cameras, showing Cap leaving Newcomb to die edited to remove Newcomb making a scene just beforehand. The media turns against The Planeteers.

An argument breaks out, wherein Ma-Ti angrily tells his older friends that they ARE partly to blame, because Captain Planet follows their lead and they have not given sufficient care to make him empathetic. He runs away.

The older Planeteers go to Doctor Blythe, inadvertently interupting her in the midst of "secret research" - they discover that she has used leftover material from converting the Crystals to Rings to build a device through which she is trying to communicate with Earth itself... and what communicating she's done has driven her a bit mad: She's been purposefully avoiding overly-humanitarian missions for the team, because she now firmly believes that saving The Planet at the expense of human life/safety is the PROPER course of action because drastic population-reduction is the only long-term solution to reverse ecological decline.

The Planeteers (especially an enraged/betrayed Gi) demand to know whether she planned to use Captain Planet AGAINST humankind, but her answer (which was feeling like a "yes") is interupted by Plunder News running "shocking footage" of the aftermath of the mutant-critter attack on the oil platform with the heavy implication that the creatures could have been called forth by The Planeteers. Lutin Plunder himself appears and announces (along with the activation of the oil platform) that armed troops under orders from Interpol are heading to secure Hope Island and "question" the now-hated Planeteers and Blythe.

The troops arrive. The Planeteers decided against summoning Captain Planet, instead using their Ring powers to subdue but not harm the attackers while they try to escape.

Ma-Ti is injured amid the chaos but is saved from capture by... The Betrayer, who "teleports" himself, the boy and Suchi away.

Blythe is too immersed in her Earth-communing machine to even try escaping, but when troops enter to take her she throws a fit - setting off a chain-reaction that overloads the equipment and triggers an electrical explosion.

The Planeteers hide out in the underground launch-platform of the Geo-Cruiser, which they conceal themselves inside by way of the craft's cloaking technology.

Ma-Ti finds himself recupperating in a mysterious cave with The Betrayer, who shows him a strange pool of water that shows images of his thoughts.

Plunder holds a gala press-event for the activation of his platform (with Greedly out of sight), but after the initial burst of proper oil something strange begins to happen: The liquid coming up isn't "normal" oil, and it's moving on it's own! Down below, the familiar tendrils and arms of Zarm - but now "made of" oil - are punching up through the sea bed.

From inside the Cruiser, the Planeteers observe international news reports of a "monster" attacking the drill platform, with Sabiya recognizing Zarm from the legends. They decide they have to go and use Captain Planet to stop it, even with Ma-Ti still missing.

Blythe - not dead, but with a horrible burn-scar now covering one side of her face - is shocked awake within the rubble of her lab by the same reports appearing on Mal's screen. She also recognizes "The Destroyer," but looks perversely glad about it.

The Betrayer shows Ma-Ti the truth of his own story via the pool: His Heart powers led him to understand "something" about Zarm that others didn't...

The Planeteers arrive at the oil platform, hovering over the scene as the writhing mass of oil continues to take Zarm's original form to a greater and greater degree - so massive they can't even begin to imagine how to beat it.

The oil workers and Greedly's mercs scatter and flee in terror. So does Greedly, but a spellbound Plunder holds him back: "Do you realize what that is? Living oil! Endlessly renewable... not that the customers need to know that! And it could be mine - all mine!" He's gone mad.

The Planeteers summon Captain Planet, who immediately glitches back into his earlier "Champion" form upon recognizing Zarm. He engages the monster like a "man" possessed - recognizing no commands from the Planeteers. "I hope he knows what he's doing..."

Scattered fire and energy blasts cause the oil platform to become unstable and catch fire. The Planeteers argue over aiding the escape of the workers or trying to reason with Captain Planet - who Sabiya argues will NOT be convinced to put a rescue over the battle.

Calling "Enough!" to the argument, Kwame grabs the Cruiser controls and steers for the platform - "Because that's what Ma-Ti would want."

Back in the cave, Ma-Ti's visions become clearer as he suddenly finds himself glimpsing the "origin" of Zarm: A seemingly harmless moss-like organism that crashes to prehistoric Earth attached to a meteorite and grows rapidly after exposure to the planet's resources.

On the platform, Wheeler and Sabiya use their powers to mitigate the fires while Kwame and Gi use theirs to create a combination land-bridge/parted-sea for the escaping workers to flee on, with Gi raising several sunken ships to use as lifeboats.

Sabiya is attacked by Greedly, who overpowers her until Wheeler knocks him away using an equipment dolly as a makeshift skateboard. They wrestle, eventually tumbling to a lower part of the platform. Sabiya tries to aim her Ring at them...

...but Plunder sneaks up and whacks her hand with his cane, causing her Ring to fall off!

Planet/"Champion" is thusly robbed of his power to fly - he tumbles down to the ocean and is promply smashed by one of Zarm's increasingly-solid tentacles. He explodes - the energy dissapating back to the Rings.

The workers arrive at the mainland. Kwame and Gi turn the Cruiser back to the battle, unsure what comes next.

Wheeler breaks free of Greedly, but the pig-man deftly avoids his fire blasts: "Are you insane? You should be helping us fight that monster!"

Back at the cave, Ma-Ti's visions crystalize as he begins to see the original battle, but from Zarm's perspective - complete with The Champion calling it "monster." Ma-Ti wakes up in a fit, shouting "I AM NOT A MONSTER!!!" Then, to The Betrayer: "You saw. You understood it... and they didn't want to listen."

The Betrayer nods, hands Ma-Ti the broken Crystals... which magically transform into a Planeteer HEART Ring in his hand. The Betrayer turns into a spinning column of smoke, which engulfs Ma-Ti...

On the platform, Plunder pulls a SWORD from his cane and swings it at a diving Sabiya, keeping her from her Ring and ranting about his "right" and "destiny" to control Zarm.

Greedly nearly crushes Wheeler by throwing a heavy iron box at him, but the timely re-arrival of the Geo-Cruiser knocks him off the platform and into the ocean below. Kwame, Wheeler and Gi assemble to help Sabiya... but are stopped when Ma-Ti materializes in from of them! "Geez! You almost gave me a heart attack!" "Funny you should say that..."

Plunder prepares a killing blow for Sabiya, who rolls out of the way, grabs the other half of his cane and engages him to a near standstill... until the others arrive.

Ma-Ti (having arrived with the others) shouts Plunder's name, subsequently blasting him with energy from the Heart Ring: Plunder is struck by a vision of himself as a child living in poverty in rural Australia. As he longingly eyes the shiny, stuff-packed car of a wealthy family driving past, he asks his (saintly-looking) mother why must they have so little; with her cautioning that "Some folks need to have much because no matter what they get, they'll always want more. Think how sad that must be." Shell-shocked, as if in a teary-eyed daze, the adult Plunder drops his sword and staggers away, mumbling "What have I done?" to himself.

The Planeteers - at last including Ma-Ti - assemble, with Ma-Ti explaining to the others what he's learned: "Heart" power grants him (among other things) the ability to feel the emotions of all things... including Zarm!

"It's not a monster or a destroyer... or at least it doesn't mean to be! It's an animal - meant to live in deep space, but it fell here! It's frightened, confused, just trying to survive - and it just keeps growing because nothing on Earth can kill it. The fifth Shaman tried to tell the others... but they didn't understand. They thought he betrayed them..."

The other Planeteers exchange looks, understanding that they cannot make this mistake again. They summon Captain Planet again (with Kwame finally saying "Let our powers combine!" for the first time) ...and this time (at last!) it's fully the Captain you remember from the show - with the sunny personality and the punny wisecracks.

Planet engages Zarm, but this time fighting to control instead of harm. Unloading all his various powers in well-timed combinations to weaken the creature and ultimately calm it down. Summoning the power of gravity, he returns Zarm to outer space where it belongs, with Ma-Ti informing the others "I think it is... happy."

As a final touch, Planet rounds up Greedly and Plunder, depositing them in front of The Planeteers before returning to the Rings with "The Power is Yours!"

News reports worldwide herald the vindication of The Planeteers and the heroism of Captain Planet. Hoggish Greedly and Sly Sludge are sentenced to prison, but legal manuvering keeps the (evil again) Looten Plunder free to continue aquiring wealth (and obsessing about Captain Planet...)

Bambi Blythe apologizes to the team for the behavior of her sister (who is still "missing") and announces that she intends to continue funding Hope Island; but as a base of operations for The Planeteers and their missions - in fact, a lot of other famous donors have stepped up to help as well (read: cameo-time for Ted Turner, Jane Fonda and whichever of the original "all-star" vocal cast wants to show up.)

EPILOGUE: The site of the power-planet meltdown, night, months later. Someone in a biohazard suit is examining the wreckage with a geiger-counter hooked up to an iPad. There's a rumbling, and up from the crumbled concrete emerges... Duke Newcomb - alive, but transformed into the familiar rock-skinned glowing DUKE NUKEM from the cartoon!

"Who are you?"

There's laughing: "Who indeed?" It's MAL's voice - he's on the iPad. The mask comes off the biohazard suit, revealing Dr. Blythe now wearing her hair to cover her facial-scar.

"...Barbara Blythe?"

"Blight. DOCTOR BLIGHT."

THE END.


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